i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
