Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
