you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
