i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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