I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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