I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
