i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
