I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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