Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
