True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
