My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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