remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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