Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
