I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
