Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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