I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
