I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
