You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
