Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.