3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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