Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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