Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
