chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
