If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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