Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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