I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
either way he was missing a nipple.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
