the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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