You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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