We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
