dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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