Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
