I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
