I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
