woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
