I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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