I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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