Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
there is glitter all over my balls
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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