Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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