I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I am naked and annoyed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
the raccoons are back...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
