i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
