piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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