You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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