I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
