I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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