Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
