chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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