How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dicks are not precious.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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