literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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