I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
