i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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