remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
