And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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