his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
